I had a really difficult time with National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) this year.

I don’t know if it was a lack of enthusiasm for my original plot, too many outside distractions, or a disinterest in spending my evenings writing after a full day of work.  Besides difficulty being creative in general, I felt challenged with my plot.  Also, the pressure of quantity over quality bothered me in a way it hadn’t in previous NaNoWriMo events.  Because I was unable to spend time on fleshing out dialogue or scenes, most of my story is flat, boring, without detail, and reads more like a wordy outline.  Also, I felt I was just going through the motions – the writing wasn’t strong, and I didn’t feel I was creating something of value.  I wrote a lot of words, I came up with a plot, I had interesting places.  But it wasn’t quality writing, and much of what I wrote rehashed ideas I’ve written about previously, and this left me dissatisfied.

As often happens when I’m writing badly, I began to again question if I am a writer, if I’m cut out to be a writer, or if I’m just attracted to the idea of being a writer.  Now, I’ve been writing since I was a kid – first in journals; later crafting my own stories.  Family vacations?  I took a binder full of blank loose leaf paper so I could write the entire time.  I have files of hand-written, both sides of the page, paper curled by the weight of my writing, crap teenage-themed stories.  But I wrote, and I didn’t care how bad those stories were (and I promise you – they were quite awful).  Yet here I am, many years later, struggling with my favorite annual writing activity, dreading what I was doing.  What did this mean?  Should I stop NaNoWriMo?  Should I quit writing?  Have I been fooling myself for years thinking this is what I wanted?  These questions went unanswered as I continued through November.

I finished NaNoWriMo early – Sunday, Nov 25th to be exact.  I knew that I’d run out of time to write through the next work week, and I didn’t want to get to Nov 30th and be in the situation that I had to come up with 10,000 words by the end of the night.  Because of this, I chose to write close to 24,000 words over the Thanksgiving break.  I’m going to be honest – writing 24,000 words was not fun; and my back was rather unhappy with me following four days of sitting in various chairs, hunched over a laptop.  While I did have the euphoric moment when I crossed the 50,000 word threshold, more than accomplishment, it was relief at it being over.  Not quite the feeling I had expected.  And now that NaNoWriMo was over, I was stuck with thoughts about what I was going to do about writing.  Were those 25+ How-To books on my writing shelf still important to me?  Was this goal of someday being published still a realistic goal, or was I doing this just because I’ve been working at it so long it didn’t make sense to stop doing it now?  What would it mean to give up the dream?

The answer is:  I would feel like a complete failure if I stopped writing now.  I am not a bad writer – Yes, I’ve written some really rotten crap; but there are some half-baked stories in my files that I still can’t believe I came up with.  Also, when I’m in the zone, when I’m really cranking out something good, it’s like discovering I have super powers.  It’s magical.  So coming out of NaNoWriMo, coming out of this funk I’ve created for myself, I know I still want to write – but I freaking need to focus! Which means enough with the:

I don’t have time…
If I didn’t have to work, then I could…
I need to know more before…

I know several writers that work full time jobs, have a family, and are published – multiple times.  Why am I not published?

I’m Lazy.
I’m unfocused.
I haven’t done the work.
I’m not putting my butt in the chair and writing.

So since NaNoWriMo ended (at least, as it ended for me over a week ago), I’ve been sitting with my writing handbooks, gathering notes from past brain-dumps and doing some good old-fashioned plot brainstorming.  I’m taking steps to outline, to develop compelling characters that have strengths, weaknesses and flaws; and maybe most importantly, use the advice and instruction I’ve gathered from classes, conventions, and writing resources.

This is not a quick project – the work is slow, involves a lot of soul-searching about what kind of stories I like to read, and how to create something similar.  I’ve had to realize that I can’t work everything into a single plot – some ideas will just have to sit for a future story.  It also requires some sacrifice (TV time? Video games?) But I feel I’m working toward my writing goal.  I feel like I’m taking this seriously and pushing forward for the right reasons.  And hopefully, at this pace, I will have a solid story – whether that’s a novel, or short fiction – that I can submit for publication in the near future.

For those of you that signed up for NaNoWriMo this year, how did you do?  What did you take away from the experience?  How has it changed or strengthened your writing plans for 2013?  Feel free to comment below about your experiences or thoughts about NaNoWriMo or writing in general; I’m interested in hearing from you.

-Heather

Originally posted on Spare Time Writer dot Com